Insult- Zen and the Art of Kicking your Ass into Spiritual Awakening by J. Stewart Dixon

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So, you want to wake up do ya? Hmmm? Really?…

Great. Well then, come sit on my knee and allow me to insult you.

Every tradition has their equivalent of a zen beating: an austerity, or test, or bare bones knock down fist fight that really tests the limits of your determination to actually go through with this waking up business. Let’s face it, the monastery can hold only so many monks, so some of the candidates need to be weeded out. This is sort of like the first horrible round of American Idol; the round backstage, behind the scenes, where the cameras are definitely not turned on- because it’s just too pathetic to be entertaining. This is evolution at it’s finest- natural, organic, and wholesome- The universe’s own little way of filtering out the dilettantes and dabblers. Nothing wrong with it. Done with love. Done cleanly, neatly, and efficiently.

Head on chopping block please…

It takes a lot to wake up– but most people standing in line to purchase tickets to the next Eckhart Tolle-Oprah wake-up-athon are totally oblivious to this fact. Don’t get me wrong old O’ and Eckhart do a tremendous amount of politically correct good, -but- authentic awakening requires one to pass through a gauntlet of politically incorrect, awakening, zen beatings. This is absolutely required in order to hammer the ego into it’s obsequious, subservient and proper place.

So, for all you lovely people out there who are thinkin’ -enlightenment, cool, I’d like to try me some of that-grab a ticket, stand in line, and come, receive my child…your zen beating:

30 Reasons why you will not win the American Idol Awakening Contest:

1. You  live in the suburbs, watch too much TV, and read the horoscopes religiously.

2. You’re over fifty and just discovered reincarnation and esp.

3. Enlightenment, UFOs and 2012 all mean pretty much the same thing to you.

4. You think you will become one with the universe, all your problems will go away, and you will obtain a glowing halo by waking up.

5. You’re a soft spoken, mousey, spineless, new-age wimp.

6. You avoid conflict and are afraid to assert your opinion.

7. You think all paths are the same and lead to the same shiny-happy mountain top.

8. Your powers of discrimination suck.

9. You aren’t smart enough.

10. You don’t read enough.

11. You don’t have a basic sense of proper diet, good health, and bodily hygiene.

12. You’re an aging hippy pothead.

13. You’ve gotten a hug from Ammachi, and now, wonder why you haven’t woken up.

14. You’ve practiced krimala-vipassa-kunda-shakti-yoga for the last 3 decades and wonder why you haven’t woken up.

15. You’ve dropped more acid than Jerry Garcia and wonder why…

16. You meditate 6 hours a day and wonder why…

17. You think, read, cogitate, ponder, philosophize, chronically mentally masturbate and wonder why…

18. You’ve fucked tantric style with 30 different partners in 143 different positions and wonder why…

19. (In case you’re wondering, yes, I’m really enjoying writing this list)

20. You’re reluctant, shy, ambivalent, and indecisive

21. You’re afraid to try new people, places, things, or experiences

22. You believe all things spiritual should be free

23. You avoid spiritual authority figures like Sat Sang Teachers, Gurus, Yoga Masters, Enlightenment Teachers, etc.

24. You’ve never done drugs.

25. You think the Dali Llama and The Pope are enlightened.

26. You have not given yourself permission to wake up.

27. You aren’t broken hearted enough to wake up.

28. You aren’t humble, honest, authentic, or true-to-yourself enough to wake up

29. You aren’t crazy enough to wake up.

30. You don’t have the courage to do what it takes to wake up.

Anyone left in the room? Congratulations, and welcome … to the monastery.

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About J. Stewart Dixon / www.bluecollarenlightenment.com 

J. Stewart Dixon is an unorthodox nondual-advaita-zen spiritual awakening teacher and founder of Blue Collar Enlightenment. Born in 1969 J. Stewart began his spiritual search at the age of eighteen, urged on by a general sense of unhappiness, depression and an impulse that something was missing from his life. He passionately and actively continued searching (via numerous paths and dozens of teachers) until the age of forty-one, when while reading a nondual awakening article online, he fell into what is commonly reported as awakening and his search ended. Shortly thereafter he began writing and teaching.

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